PC Translation Machine

OK kids, for our next exercise let's translate the following email I just received:

Politically correct version from the Communications Director:

"Olentangy Local Schools will NOT be dismissing students early today. However, parents may pick up their students if they so choose without consequences"

Plain English Version:

Our school Admins have better things to do today than field you phone calls. SO quit calling the schools asking to pick up little Johnny and Little Suzy because you have watched too much Oprah and you think the sky is actually falling today. It is not 2012 yet, it is still 2010 and that stuff is SNOW, not death from above. Johnny and Suzy are a hell of a lot safer on a 10 ton school bus with a highly trained (somewhat debatable fact) driver than they are in your Odyssey whilst you are chatting with Beth in the Tahoe behind you.

"Man" in the mirror

So I wake up Monday morning to stare reality right in the face...


Oompa loompa doopadee doo/I've got a perfect puzzle for you/Oompa loompa doopadee dee/ If you are wise you'll listen to that little voice/What do you get when you guzzle down sweets?/Drinking as much as Jim Morrison drinks/What are you at getting terribly fat?/What do you think will come of that?/I don't like the look of it/Oompa loompa doopadee dah/ If you will stop gorging on booze and sweets you will go far/You will live relatively fit and trim/Like the Oompa Loompa doopadee doo/Doopadee doo